What Do I Want?

Note: 20 x 2 is a twice yearly event where 20 people across different walks of life and disciplines are invited to answer a question in their own unique way: Here’s how I answered the question “What Do I Want?” last Saturday for the event.(One of my songs was also playing in the back)

So, for the majority of my life I’ve been an obsessive list maker and long range planner. I’ve kept journals and diaries since I was a kid and when I wasn’t writing  fan-fiction about heavy metal bands, I was making lists.

Planning what I want to do, who I want to be: 1 year from now, 3 years from now, 10 years from now.

And that answer constantly changes and evolves over time, as it should.

I’m not living in Lake Point Towers with a fancy car, and wanting that seems so off base from the person I am now: I’m a musician, I started my own publication, I never did learn to drive.

Life and time changes what you want.

Seven years ago, I was diagnosed with a degenerative eye disease which has made me at this point legally blind.

A lot of what I’ve taken for granted as a part of my life: being able to work full-time, navigating myself at night or in unfamiliar places, is hard for me to do now.

So my “what do i want” list has become shorter, and simpler:

What do I want?

– To not have to fight with Blue Cross Blue Shield about my treatment coverage
– To not have to have a cornea transplant this year

But ultimately, I know what i really want is something I can’t have: my old life back.

Still, even with all of that, I still make long-range plans:

– i want to record another EP with my band
– i want to write a book
– I want to go to Tokyo

But knowing I can’t get what I really want has made me a lot more focused on what I *have*: a cool career, my friends and family, and a lot of support that I felt too ashamed to ask for and still managed to get anyway.

I will probably write my next “what do I want?”list tomorrow because that’s just the kind of person i am. But I am using this moment and this essay as a reminder to myself, that what I really want: love, creativity, adventure all of that is here, it’s IN me, around me and it’s never far from my reach.

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