The Smite List

As i feared, the news at the eye doctor wasn’t good. It looks like some kind of surgical procedure is in my near future but I don’t know details. Of course I’m worried. I’m also irrationally annoyed at all the times I’ve dealt this and the people (at work, casual acquaintances) who were not terribly sympathetic, or made my life more difficult when I needed help.

It’s unusual for my immediate reaction to move into full on petty but last night I was there, checking off a Smite List of people who I felt have wronged me since I got this diagnosis. I know it’s totally weird but it felt good for awhile. And there’s been far, far more fantastic people in my life who have really been supportive this whole time. Especially last night when I was just freaking out and I had family and friends who really comforted me.

But part of the reason I started doing these KC diaries posts was as a form of therapy, but also as a way to stay honest. I’ve been posting my honest feelings at the time and other people going through health issues have responded to me about it. It’s the kind of thing you don’t hear about until the triumphant end, not the during the difficult struggle. And especially as a black woman, I just feel like that “strong black woman” trope really does us a disservice on a health level when we need help and support, so I just wanted to put some different narratives out there.

I do want to channel some of my petty energy into more useful ways of making life easier for people who deal with chronic illnesses, disabilities and injuries. It’s amazing to me how much it’s not seen. And as for this, I am trying to just plan life as usual but with the understanding that there may be some disruption ahead. But it’s not the end of the world, or the end of me being me. I mean,  hell, I’ll be keeping  my Smite List but as a reminder that I’m human.

 

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