Fear, anger, and Redefining my ability

Waiting to hear from the eye doctor what the deal is for me and the next 6-8 months. I hate it. I hate being sick, I hate going to the eye doctor. The stress of waiting really does a number on me and makes me cranky. The last two times I had a cold I worked through it, so clearly I am bad at self-care, though I am trying to get better at that. So I am waiting for the doctor, and on my FB I see something from one of the Keratoconus groups I follow:

KC

Of course, I know this on an intellectual level but I hate being reminded of it. I am low key reminded of it daily. Part of the reason I continue to work from home is that I can give myself the accommodations I need and I don’t have to fight for it at whatever office I’d be at.

So I read something like this and of course I go through my hidey-hole of panic, as I’ve mentioned in a previous post. What if this gets so bad I can’t work at all? What if this happens soon? I lean on family and friends to help but sometimes I just get so frustrated I get stuck on anger. It’s not towards anyone, it’s just there. I try not to get cranky when people ask a lot of questions about treatment, or when I have to focus extra hard on seeing correctly without letting strangers know that’s what I am doing, but I sometimes get snappy. I do the best I can to help myself but sometimes it’s not enough, and I get frustrated at that helplessness.

In the last years of my grandmother’s life, I remember her being very cranky. She was always a very independent woman, even into her 90’s , but when she lost a lot of her mobility, it came suddenly, and I don’t think she ever got over that. I remember thinking at the time “of course she’s pissed, she lost her autonomy!” I know that’s what I fear. I know I have people who care about me and will and do help me through the physical parts of this, and even the fear. But the anger is its own thing, and I think it’s probably helpful to get some assistance with that as well.

I am glad Dillinger Escape Plan has a new album coming out.

 

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